In the first year 'S' will replace the soft 'C'. Sertainly, this
will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'C' will be replaced
with the 'K'. This should klear up Konfusion and keyboards kan have
one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'PH' will be replaced with 'F'. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always been a deterant to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is
disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'TH'
with 'Z' and 'W' with 'V'. During ze fifz yar, ze uneseary 'O' kan be
dropd from vords kontaining 'OU' and similar changs vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yar, ve vi hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikutlis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer.
THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
parachute.
*Pessimist:* you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump
anyway.
*Optimist:* you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps
just like this before.
*Procrastinator:* you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
*Bureaucrat:* you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
*Lawyer:* you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
*Doctor:* you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.
*Sales executive:* you sell them the parachute at TOP retail rates and
get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
*Internal Revenue Service:* you confiscate the parachute along with
their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
*Advertiser:* you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a
neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
*Engineer:* you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.
*Scientist:* you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a
report on how well it worked.
*Mathematician:* you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that
it will work in all cases.
*Philosophy:* you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
*English:* you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.
*Comparative Literature:* you read the parachute instructions in all
four languages.
*Computer Science:* you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.
*Economics:* you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
*Psychoanalysis:* you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds
them of.
*Drama:* you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character
of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
*Art:* you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
*Republican:* as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work
hard and not expect handouts.
*Democrat:* you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut
the parachute into two equal pieces.
*Libertarian:* after reminding them of their constitutional right to
have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
*Ross Perot:* you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long
to learn how to fix a plane.
*Surgeon General:* you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous
to your health.
*Association of Tobacco Growers:* you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
*National Rifle Association:* you shoot them and take the parachute.
*Police Bigot:* you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
*Environmentalist:* you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
